All Hallows Eve

Halloween is derived from the pagan holiday Samhain. It is considered the time when the veil between this physical earth and the spiritual world is the thinnest.

My mom was always very spiritual and shared her love of psychics, mediums, and the supernatural with me. It’s why she loved Halloween and why I now love Halloween. (Our house was THE house that gave out full-sized candy bars! And yes there were even parents who wouldn’t walk through our front yard with their kids because it was ~spooky~.)

Although there are many topics I’ve shared on this blog, as of now I’ve decided not to share the night mom passed. Anyone that has been with someone that has passed knows how horrible it is. I can’t even begin to explain how awful it was. It is NOT like the movies, there’s no final words and then a last breath. I watched my mom die for days. What I will say is there were moments of comfort. There were absolutely signs from the other side (ghosts, spirits, whatever you want to call it).

I am a firm believer in an afterlife, spirits, and signs. It has been nine months since my mom passed and she is around us all the time. There have been signs. But, grief is exhausting.

At Shiva, a friend who had recently lost her dad from cancer told me that it doesn’t hit until months later. She was right. I had to share similar knowledge with a friend and I told her that you’re going to be comforting people, you’re going to be running the show, and it’s going to be an out of body experience. You don’t realize it’s YOUR mom. You don’t understand why everyone else is crying. But you’re going to have your moments especially when it gets quiet, when you’re going to bed and your thoughts start flowing and the grief tries to get through.

Then, after the first few weeks it’s about getting through your new normal. Remembering that you can’t text your mom a link to a pair of shoes to see if she likes them. Or call her when you’re walking home. And sometimes you don’t understand how people don’t realize you’re grieving. That every day you are reminded your mom has passed. You’re on auto-pilot not wanting to feel all the emotions.

And then it really hits. That you really won’t be able to talk to your mom again. That if I live to 100, 76 years will be without my mom. No more hugs. Then you realize why everyone was so sad at the funeral. It’s hard to explain, but it feels like a part of my heart is constantly missing something. Sometimes you wake up and it’s just not a good day from the start. Sometimes I’m having fun and then it just hits. I am realizing that this is the time when I am so grateful for my friends and this community. Especially those that continue to reach out to my family.

Maybe my mom and I love Halloween because it reminds us that there is more than this earth (minus the zombies and goblins, but definitely the ghosts). Maybe because we sense those who have passed are around us even more strongly. Grief sucks, cancer sucks. But, I’m going to eat apple cider doughnuts, smile at the beautiful New England leaves, decorate for Halloween, and have my arms wide open for the thinning veil between my world and my mom’s. Happy Hauntings!

2003, Courtesy of Diane Kearns

4 thoughts on “All Hallows Eve

  1. I am so pleased you’ve continued to post. 9 months, wow that was just a minute ago. Be sure to put out a picture and an offering to keep the door open for her spirit to pass through on Halloween.


  2. Hi Michaela,

    It was wonderful to read this and at the same time, my heart aches for you. It’s so hard. You’re right, grief is exhausting. I’m glad you have so many wonderful memories wrapped up in Halloween. So many varying emotions will likely bubble up. As they do every day, I’m sure.

    Happy Hauntings to you too.

    Your mom is missed by many, including me. x


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